The Queer Menopause Project - An update

Photo by Patrick Federi on Unsplash

It’s time to press the reset button

Amazingly, it’s just over four years since a number of conversations with friends caused me to pick up the idea of Queer Menopause and run with it. I’m very happy to have opened some doors and shone a light on a subject that had previously been not only neglected but barely spoken about.

Lots of people have been super supportive of this work and I am really grateful for that. If you’re one of them, thank you.

However, the Queer Menopause project has now hit a crossroads. In short, I have gone as far as I can for now and I am hoping that others will feel the call to take it to the next level.

ACTUALLY, WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

Most of this work has been done unpaid, and that was my choice. But I’ve been feeling like the only one in the UK holding this subject for a long time now. People show an interest in getting involved, and want to know more, and then disappear. People say they want to collaborate but don’t seem to understand what that entails, nor have the energy to follow through. Last year’s collective was ultimately ended by a number of very challenging circumstances, most of which could not have been prevented.

As the public face of this project (a position I had very much hoped to alter, for a number of reasons) I was left quite seriously embarrassed after telling so many folks making enquiries that someone would get back to them and then no one did. (And these were often paid gigs.)

I know that a lot of this can be put down to what I call pandemic-induced negligent apathy, which I have absolutely succumbed to myself at times. It’s also clear from discussions I’ve been having that many projects, large and small, have ended up stalling during the last three years.

QUEER AND TRANS FOLKS HAVE bigger priorities than menopause

It’s fair to say that the LGBTQIA+ community has far bigger and more significant and pressing issues to be dealing with than menopause. Trans rights are relentlessly under attack, and LGBTQIA+ rights are being eroded everywhere.

My sense right now is that we are all, in the main and in different ways and to different levels, absolutely exhausted. Of course so are lots of folks but, focusing on the LGBTQIA+ population for a moment, there is a level of stress here that is very hard to disengage from. In the end, chronic systemic trauma contributes to a pervading sense of being divided and ruled.

It’s very hard to show up for others when you can barely show up for yourself.

QUEER MENOPAUSE NEEDS PUBLIC ENGAGEMENT

If I was up for doing talks, trainings and networking, I would have put myself all over the place and probably have a book deal and a podcast and be one of those people you see guesting everywhere. But right now I’m not - and that’s fine.

The bottom line is that this late-diagnosed neurodivergent post-menopausal non-binary human has had a really tough couple of years and I have some stuff to sort out.

If I cannot be congruent and open about this then what is the point?

[I put a paragraph about ageism here but I deleted it.]

I AM A PRIMARILY A THERAPIST

Being a psychotherapist/counsellor is my main living and I owe it to my clients to be on the best form for them, and to myself to stay on that form. If anything appears that negatively impacts my capacity in this regard, it has to go.

BUT I’M STILL HERE

I will go on posting on social media, pushing for gender and other forms of inclusion, and updating this site.

WHAT I AM NOT DOING

Along with public speaking, there’s a list of no’s which hasn’t changed.

(1) I cannot read your work for inclusive language because I don’t offer this. (I have a whole post on this ready to go.)

(2) I cannot offer random Zoom chats about Queer Menopause and never have. (Ditto.)

(3) I generally won’t write unpaid book chapters/articles/etc unless perhaps (a) for someone very close to me or (b) who is from a minority/minoritised group with no budget, or (c) the project or organiser really speaks to me in some way.

(4) I will absolutely not help you market your menopause products and services to LGBTQIA+ people.

WHAT YOU CAN DO

Now the Queer Menopause project needs others to take it to the next stage.

If you’re part of the LGBTQIA+ community (and - obviously! - you have some spare energy and enthusiasm for this project) and you would be happy to do some talks, podcasts or anything else, please drop me a line and I will contact you if any offers come up.

If you’re wondering what you could do independently around this subject, here are some ideas:

• If you’re a doctor, or work in medicine/healthcare, you could promote inclusive approaches to menopause, especially in large organisations as well as out in the field, and work towards a greater general understanding of hormones. You could also help create integrated treatment pathways.

• If you’re a researcher you could do some work around promoting understanding of the LGBTQIA+ experience of menopause.

• If you’re interested in language, you could do some work on either (a) how to neutralise the word menopause so that some trans and non-binary people don’t wish to avoid it and potentially miss out on care, or (b) work on finding another word that works for everyone.

• You could write articles and post on social media.

• You could run support groups online or in person.

Menopause affects people of all ages, for all sorts of reasons. If you look, you will find a number of queer/trans narratives that really deserve greater exposure and understanding.

Thank you for reading.