‘Your work looks so interesting! Can we have a chat?’

Photo by Acton Crawford on Unsplash.

In honour of Autism Acceptance Week, (which needs unpacking as an idea, but not right here right now), in this post I’m exploring how people may respond to a random request for a conversation from a stranger.

For clarity, I’m referring to a professional context here, rather than a specifically personal/social one.

On a personal level, the word ‘chat’ now gives me a warning prickle up my spine and I can’t ignore it. 

Before I start, please read this: 

First and foremost I am a psychotherapist/counsellor. That is my main work and my prime directive is to keep myself in an optimal state so that I can offer my best to my clients.

What I say below does not relate to my work as a therapist. Potential clients often want to have an initial conversation before deciding whether to work with me, and I expect to offer this.

Why we connect

It’s quite normal to want to connect with someone whose work interests you or attracts your curiosity. You feel that you have good intentions - you might want to expand your network or learn something from this person or collaborate with them. These are all valid reasons for wanting to connect - on the surface of it.

However, there are more steps to this process, and more influencing factors, than you may realise.

Ask yourself - Who is this for?

Before doing anything it’s worth checking in with yourself before approaching someone else. Ask yourself ‘Who is this for?’ It’s a great consent question in general, and can start up fruitful thinking. 

Initiating a conversation is a two way street

Initiating a conversation with a stranger is actually a two way street, with two sets of needs, two sets of identities, two sets of available energy and other resources, and two sets of (possible) benefits involved. You are making a bid for someone’s attention and time, so it’s a good idea to ask yourself what your intentions are and what you think they are going to get out of it.

Your needs may not align with theirs

So it is very possible that these two sets of needs, identities, available resources and potential benefits will not be aligned with each other. 

Actually, your need to connect with this person may not align with their needs at all.

So here are some things to think about FIRST

• Would this person like to hear from me?

• Have they given any indication that they welcome this kind of contact?

• What am I looking for in wanting spoken contact with this person?

• Does it feel as if our needs are aligned?

And ask yourself

• How will this person benefit from offering me their time?

• Am I able to offer them something in return for their time?

• Do I just want to get information from them? (Be honest)

• Do I just want to look like I have ‘done the work’ by talking to them? (Be more honest)

Resources - who has them and who doesn’t

I generally note that the folks wanting ‘just a chat’ are well resourced people. They have a certain amount of time and energy and believe that others have the same. In fact this is very often not the case. Energy, for example, is also a resource.

a quick primer in power DYNAMICS

Let me be more blunt. If you are a well off cis white woman asking someone with a marginalised identity for their time, it’s worth understanding that this chat is going to ‘cost’ them a lot more than it will cost you. 

If that person is, for example, disabled, chronically ill, or neurodivergent, you will likely be draining them and the chat is unlikely to benefit them in the short term or the long. (More on how this applies to menopause further down.)

If they are, for example, queer, trans, and/or a person of colour, they may well be expending energy by bracing for a lot of well-meaning stuff without much substance to it, and will not enjoy being pushed for information and education with nothing in return.

Also, getting in touch with someone and saying ‘Just want to help’ can be experienced as a demand, as the onus is put back onto the person contacted to (a) express gratitude and (b) come up with easy ideas so that the asker won’t feel offended and get upset. (See also: fragility.)

Along with time lots of people have no capacity for random zoom calls and may absolutely hate using the phone. I am not seeing this recognised much, other than within the neurodivergent world where we talk about this stuff a lot.

And, in the name of all things holy, do not try to badger or manipulate someone into having a Zoom conversation with you. It happens. Don’t do this.

The Menopause dichotomy

All over the menopause community, I hear people talk about how exhausted they are, how menopause drove them to suicidal feelings, exhaustion they have never known before, depression, anxiety, fear, loss of things they had previously taken for granted etc. And yet some of these same people don’t seem to have an issue casually asking for someone else’s time, who may also be exhausted, stressed, and struggling with brain fog and executive function.

It’s double interesting that many menopause symptoms are very similar to all kinds of other symptoms of illness, physical and mental, and neurodivergence. We all need to recognise this much, much more, because our world is ongoingly utterly ableist.

A SYSTEMIC FAILURE

Some people reading this might be feeling attacked. If you are, remember that this is a systemic, human-wide failure of education in communication, in a world where putting ourselves in others’ shoes is actively discouraged. We all need to work on this, myself included.

WHAT TO DO INSTEAD?

You could ask for a conversation and you just might get lucky. But just being asked can be a trigger for ND folks particularly, for all kinds of complex reasons, and they (we) can do without the stress. And the person is more likely to say yes if you already share their identity because then they are more likely to trust that you won’t interrogate them.

So if you are going to ask for anything, frame it as one of a number of potential possible options and don’t expect a response. Some people do interviews by email - that might be an option.

But be honest - what are you expecting to get from this chat? If you are just curious, it is really not up to the other person to help you with that. If you are hoping for someone to educate you, and this is not something they are offering, then keep looking until you find someone who is clearly offering that. And preferably pay them, and that means more than a link on a website (unless your hits are in the millions). [More on this in another post.]

WHY THE PILE OF SPANNERS?

I wanted to find an image that represented the feeling of suffocation that can come with demands, expectations and assumptions.